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January 15, 2013
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May your sails catch wind
May your heart find strength from within
Your mind be at ease
As you ride the sea's
There is no tie
made from a lie

Tis only my frail trouble heart
Begging not to be ripped apart

   My very best friend
let not the waters be your end
You sail to new lands
far from my cold hands
You have held me safe and close
and kept me from another overdose.

 Yes I am full of trouble
But my love for you is double.
OK well my amazingly awesomely strong handsome boyfriend is in the Navy.
He wont leave for the sea's soon... but then again it will be soon. My heart with sail with him. To places I've always wanted to go.




And yes I'm trouble x3
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:iconthecrazymagnet:
First thing: This is a very sweet poem. Second thing: This is not a great poem. Yet.

First stanza:
The first four lines are lovely. It reminds me of traditional blessings, especially since it's nature-based. It has some language issues (catalogued later), but in mood and execution it's quite nice. The last two lines don't quite seem to fit with this sentimental opening, and they're not really explained - what lie is involved, and if it's not what's tying him, why is it even mentioned? That final line feels like it was just thrown in there because "tie" rhymes with "lie." And that's never a good reason.

Second stanza:
It took me a few reads to understand this. The only thing tying him to...possibly the sea, or possibly home...(I'll guess home) the only thing tying him to home is your heart? That's understandable. That makes a lot of sense. So why are the lines about tying and your heart in different stanzas? This couplet has a nice turn of phrase to it, but it feels empty since it's so isolated and we haven't really 'met' the narrator. I'd suggest re-evaluating the stanza break, but that "made from a tie" line throws that off too.

Third stanza:
Now we get to know you a little. This is the only stanza that I connect with emotionally. The narrator's feeling of weakness, the feeling that this man has saved you, is very powerful. But again, there's so little actually happening. Two options for expansion: If this is a love poem, give him more to go on about the things you've done for each other and the feelings involved. If this is an art piece, make the narrator a more fictional version of you who feels even weaker and more helpless without him. Make it bigger, because this subject is one that really lends itself well to being BIG. This could be really powerful if there was more to go on.

Fourth stanza:
"my love for you is double"? Seriously? I don't...I can't. This is simultaneously so saccharine it makes me wince, and so silly it reminds me of Team Rocket. Is that what you were going for? If so, scrap the entire rest of the poem and start over to keep this mood. It's so incongruous with the lovely blessing of the first stanza and the confession of need in the third. If you keep the rest, this just has to go.

Nitpicky issues (feel free to skip, although they may help):
In the third line, perhaps start with "may" again for consistency? That one's your call.
"As you ride the seas" not sea's
"my frail troubled heart" not trouble

Summary:
Okay. So I tore this apart and I'm sorry about that. But there are some strong emotions in here, and those opening lines still make me smile. I'm being harsh because I think this poem could grow into something wonderful. All that said, your boyfriend is a lucky man, and I'm sure he will love what's already laid bare on the page.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconthunder-13:
I don't think that I am able to give a critique either, but I shall try:

I do think the message and the raw, emotional potency is all there, I can feel your emotions travelling across thousands of miles from one screen to another.

In the future, not pushing anything on you of course, I think it is wonderful and heartfelt and don't feel this is necissary, but I would count out the syllables to keep good track of the rhythm of your pieces. It's there, though. Don't let me convince you otherwise.

Personally, a wierd trick I told myself is to make it symetrical. Not in the word size or anything, but in the syllable sizes and adding to one side where you added to another. I'm in algebra, I guess it comes out here, too.

For instance: Don't let me cry, ->
Don't let me see the things you've done. <-
Don't watch me die, ->
Don't get in the way of all my fun. <-
The first and the 3rd lines rhyme and have the same rhythm and same with the 2nd and 4th. In my head I sing the peom to see if it would fit.

It doesn't have to be that structured though. I think it is wonderful and you sound so happy; I can only wish you the best
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconthunder-13:
thunder-13 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't think that I am able to give a critique either, but I shall try:

I do think the message and the raw, emotional potency is all there, I can feel your emotions travelling across thousands of miles from one screen to another.

In the future, not pushing anything on you of course, I think it is wonderful and heartfelt and don't feel this is necissary, but I would count out the syllables to keep good track of the rhythm of your pieces. It's there, though. Don't let me convince you otherwise.

Personally, a wierd trick I told myself is to make it symetrical. Not in the word size or anything, but in the syllable sizes and adding to one side where you added to another. I'm in algebra, I guess it comes out here, too.

For instance: Don't let me cry, ->
Don't let me see the things you've done. <-
Don't watch me die, ->
Don't get in the way of all my fun. <-
The first and the 3rd lines rhyme and have the same rhythm and same with the 2nd and 4th. In my head I sing the peom to see if it would fit.

It doesn't have to be that structured though. I think it is wonderful and you sound so happy; I can only wish you the best ;)
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:iconlost-in-thyme:
Lost-in-thyme Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
lol your awesome xD
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:iconthunder-13:
thunder-13 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much! :3
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:iconthunder-13:
thunder-13 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That was meant to be a critique...IGNORE!
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:iconinfinity-angel88:
infinity-angel88 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is not a critique, because I don't feel qualified to deliver one. However, I have some suggestions.
Firstly, the third line, it might do to begin that with "May" as well.
Secondly, remove the apostrophe from "sea's."
Thirdly, in the second stanza, first line, make "trouble" into "troubled."
Fourthly, the last stanza, I might rephrase to "Yes, I am troubled/ but my love for you is doubled."
You don't have to listen to any of these. In fact, I encourage the opposite, as raw pieces are often more potent.

The message of this actually made me tear. I know I seem like just another chick with a compliment but hey. I'm honest to some extent, and I don't become emotional often. When read I guess it just struck a chord, so to speak.
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:iconlost-in-thyme:
Lost-in-thyme Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :) I know I'm not nearly the best but damnit I tried xD
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:iconinfinity-angel88:
infinity-angel88 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome :)
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